Your Children Will Thank Me

I increasingly seem to find myself thinking about kids. I'm at that age now where most of my friends are having mostly legitimate children and upon arriving at a party I tend to be greeted by the site of a baby bottle as often as I do a can of Pabst (rarely both at the same time, but it happens). Up 'till now my general approach to children has been "unless you can comprehend the phrase 'fetch me a...cookie/tater tot/ thumbdrive, etc ....' you're of no use to me." However, I see now that assuming anything under 6 years old is merely a "lump o' baby" and would just as soon poop/puke/fart/belch on me as isn't exactly accurate. I've had the dawning realization that I'll need to invest time and energy into my eventual ilk before they to learn to speak/run/operate-the-remote-so-daddy-can-watch-MythBusters.

Thus I've decided that I should record all the knowledge I currently possess (distilled somewhat, for my head is an ocean awash with genius) in order to share with my future minions. But really, why stop with just my children? Seeing as how I'm all for equality and as well as genius, I am also full of benevolence, I think that all children everywhere should have the opportunity to the know the truths that the universe hath showed me. So I've decided to write a letter to my, as well as your, future spawn.

Dear Unborn Servants Offspring,

First let me say, sorry for fubar'ing the environment. We could have fixed it, but if you ever get the chance to ride in a jacked up Ford Super Duty 450 or pour a bottle of leftover paint thinner down a storm drain...you'll understand that we were just havin' too much fun too stop.

I am bequeathing this letter of unparalleled wisdom to you with the knowledge that the world you grow up in will be filled with...well...people like me. And since I don't want to risk losing my future workforce see you manipulated because you didn't know the way of the world, I will share with you now the things I know to be truth.

*Parents* They pretty much lie to you until your sixteen to keep you safe. If they start telling you the truth before then it's because they want you to move out or because they're hippies. If they still aren't shooting you straight by the time you turn 17, get a tatoo...and a lawyer.

*Siblings* Either they will build forts out of couch cushions with you in the living room or steal your ice cream. And by ice cream I mean inheritance.

*School* Trading a fruit rollup for homemade brownies is a good deal. Especially if it's not your fruit roll up.

*Love* ...is like a Boston Creme filled donut.

*The Internet* If you don't have more than 5 e-mail addresses than you're not trying hard enough.

*Clowns* The real reason for the existence of the NRA

*Vegetarians* They'll out live us, but don't let them smell your fear.

*International Politics* ...The hammer of the gods will drive our ships to new lands, To fight the horde, singing and crying: Valhalla, I am coming!...

And finally...

*Vegetables* Anyone that ever tries to tell you that a potato isn't a vegetable is clearly an agent of Satan.