What can I say? This is what I get for renting a house built circa 800 B.C. You guys know the basic jist, but I'll fill in the details...
Yesterday morning was just like any other week day morning right up until the part where I tried to actually leave my bathroom. You never want to feel a door knob over rotate twice as much as it should and then give two hard clicks, especially when said knob is attached to the only door in your windowless bathroom.
After using a moderate amount of "man strength" on the the now broken door knob, I decided that this might need some pressure from the opposite side (door swings in to the bathroom and it's always easier to push that to pull, right?). That's when I decided to roust the KJ and see if she couldn't free me. Needless to say she was none too pleased about having to get up 5 minutes earlier than usual by my cries for help form the bathroom, but like the impossibely wonderful wife that she is, she came to my aid...kind of. After about 10 minutes of us both trying combinations of brute force and knob twisiting we decided to escalate our attempts. Thats when the Safeway card and metal nail file came into play. Let me tell you, years of TV have led me sorely astray: picking a lock with improvised tools is pretty much impossible.
After about a total of 25 minutes of bathroom incarceration the decision was made to call in the Locksmith. Little known fact about locksmiths is that when you try and call them at 6:27 AM in the morning, they charge you $40 just to take your call. Then they charge you $110 just to come to your house. Luckily this the landlords deal and not ours.
Anyway, once we knew a professional was enroute, things lightened up a bit. Somehow I got a hold of a sharpie and some paper.
At first it was just cries for help...
Then as I resigned to my fate, the messages became more prophetic (read: pathetic)...
Eventually the locksmith showed up and after failing to pop the door open with something that resembled an inflatable raft that he shoved through the crack in the door, he eventually just drilled through the lock and freed me from my porcelian and terry cloth prison.
Lesson I learned from this experience:
- I could never make it in prison - being locked up by yourself is hella boring.
- Throat losanges actually taste pretty good...after about the 4th one.
- Bathroom floors get dirtier the longer you stare at them.
- Locksmithery is where the money's at.
- There is no fear greater than knowing that your wife now has the ability to post on your blog.
****UPDATE****
Unbeknownst to me, a video of my ordeal was captured.
16 comments:
you said "loo" and "locksmithery" both of which made me laugh out loud.
so glad you're free!
@ Sizz: Me too. I'm thinking of stocking my bathroom with alcohol (not just the rubbing kind) from here on out. Ya know, for emergencies.
Funny how the doorknob in the video doesn't LOOK like it was made in the stone-age... it's deceptive! Let's sue your landlord for fraudulent doorknobs.
KJ is hilarious!
BTW, should we worry that you carry Sharpies into the bathroom with you? What are you doing with them? Drawing fake tattoos all over your body? I could see you doing that.
Also, it doesn't get any better in new bathrooms. The BiL has a brand new townhouse and both his girlfriend and my wife have gotten locked in there (not together) because the door would stick. Blame doors as an entire entity.
OMG - I seriously just burst out laughing when KJ slid the tortilla under the door. Did you spread some toothpaste on it and eat it? Mmmm.
That's just plain awesome!
The tortilla thing KILLED me and I wondered if a slice of Kraft Singles would be next.
What I love is that not only did you have a pen to write notes, but that you also had KJ come here and post an entry about your escapades.
Totally giggling....
THIS is why I don't shut the bathroom door when no one but family is home. Absolutely is not because of laziness. I'm glad you are free...did you eat that tortilla?
hysterical! makes me a little leery about the broken knob between my laundry room and family room though.
**stunned silence**
I would have flattened some tater-tots and shoved them under the door. I'm caring like that.
Can you imagine if KJ wasn't home when this happened? Bet you take a mobile phone with you into the bathroom from now on...
Hysterical. Your wife is a piece of work. Guess she needs to be with you around, getting locked in bathrooms and such.
That has totally happened to me. The door knob came right off in my hand and I was stuck. Unfortunately for me, I live alone, luckily there was a window in my door that I had to break with a brush to get out. I've never closed the door to a bathroom all the way again.
That was hilarious. I needed a laugh this afternoon.
What would you have done if the Wife wasn't home?
You have been in a very uncomfortable situation. We had almost the same situation, but inside was sleeping a drunk guy and we can't open the door. We decide to call a locksmith, he said that will come in 30 or 40 minutes. Within 15 minutes time, the locksmitharrived. I was really surprised, cause locksmith usually has a lot of work. He was a tall and fair guy. He brought along all his gears from lightweight to heavyweight. He opened the door in 5 minutes. Our friend was ok, but really drunk.
your blog is so funny! I LOVE the bathroom story, glad you got out safely. Just an FYI, something like 90% of household dust is composed of skin....HUMAN SKIN!!! Something to think about the next time you eat a tortilla that's been passed under a door!
Thank you for the comment about our gnome....he's a bad ass. Hope married life is going well for you!
Late to the party, but I must tell you that your wife is awesome. AWESOME.
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