I Finally Know What I Want To Be When I Grow Up

I was surfing around on Wikipedia today learning about random things (because that's how I roll... structured learning is for the weak) and I came across something that has forever changed my life. Not that you'll understand, but I was attempting to sort out the major differences between various Federal Police agencies (FBI, ATF, Secret Service, etc.) when I stumbled onto the U.S. Marshal page and happened to read this little tibit...

"U.S. Marshals also have the power to enlist any willing civilian as deputies with or without training."

How come no one told me this before??? How come no one clued me into the fact that if became a U.S. Marshal that I could deputize ANYONE I FREAKING WANTED??!?!?!?

Now before the "Omg, Dustin just found that one loop hole in this world that will actually enable him to legally raise an army of minions in which to spread by force the word of Google" red flags go up, let me assure you that were I to become a U.S. Marshal, I would wield my powers of deputization for good and just causes.

Example:

Let's say Marshal Dusty (Yes Dusty, simply because it sounds more Marshal-esq) is called to a hostage situation where the singer Whitney Houston, in a "medicine" induced rage, has barricaded herself in her house and is holding her "innocent" husband Bobby Brown for ransom. Normally when this happens I'm sure a line of blow is poured from Ms. Houston's front steps into the back of a paddy wagon and before long, the issue resolves itself with Ms. Houston surrendering peacefully blacking out before she makes it to the sidewalk. But for the sake of this discussion, let's say their is press coverage and the usual routine of playing Hansel and Gretel with the devil's dandruff isn't an option.

Marshal Dusty's solution? I'd drive to the nearest Middle School, deputize every 8th grader in sight, commandeer a school bus, drive them to the scene, and start passing out three foot cattle prods. The last thing Whitney'd see would be about 200 13 yr. olds maniacally waving newly improvised light sabers as they stormed her mansion and me in the back ground screaming into a bull horn "SET YOUR PHASERS TO MAXIMUM STUN, KIDDIES!"

Any resulting property damage or adolescent electrical burns I'm sure would be written off on Ms. Nose Candy's liability insurance and I would probably get a promotion. If I played my cards right, I might even be able to get my original Bodyguard poster autographed.